I gotta tell you, I generally like snow. It’s not quite rain, it’s not exactly ice, and it makes those houses that are completely ravished with Christmas lights look immeasurably better. Thing is, there are a gazillion different types of snow (actually three). First you've got your regular snow. That’s the kind that people use to build snowmen. Yeah, that’s right. I said "snowmen." Not "snowpeople." Political correctness is for suckers. Anyway, this customary type of snow is of the same variety that gives old men heart attacks when they are forced to shovel it off their driveways day after day. It's also responsible for closing the schools down and it's commonly used for ammunition in snowball fights. You know, I just realized that I’ve never built a snowman. I’m sure it’s either out of laziness or...no it’s laziness. Not to mention I’m pretty conservative when it comes to utilizing the snow that gathers on my lawn. Once it’s gone I’m always regretful that I didn’t use if for something better and I’m certainly not going to waste it building a snowman. Besides, I’m way too anal retentive for snowman building. The three snow spheres of my snowman’s body would have to be perfectly round and proportional to each other, and my his face would only be made from the freshest ingredients. Wait, is it just me or did I sound like a Wendy’s commercial right there?
But yeah, snowmen are for people much cooler than me. People that had the sixty-four count box of Crayola crayons as opposed to the eight count box. My world is made of eight colors – so sue me. Just because I only need one green for my African jungle drawings doesn’t make me any less of a person! I was always jealous of my brother’s box that had the built-in crayon sharpener though. There’s just something about those waxy shavings that makes you feel like you’ve accomplished something with your artwork. Of course I didn’t need a sharpener because my friends would always eat all of my crayons anyway (which I never understood). They’re supposed to be non-toxic but I swear one day they’re all going to go to the hospital and find out that they’re all gummed up inside.
I’m veering off topic again. Let’s see...snow. Aside from the traditional kind, you also have your classic yellow. I’m not talking French’s mustard, I’m talking about that snow that just begged to be peed in one too many times (hey I gotta write my name somewhere). This is the kind of snow that, should it one day fall from the sky in flakes, you wouldn’t want to catch on your tongue. At least I highly doubt you would. Eh, maybe you would. I don’t really know you that well. Anyway, there’s only one thing worse than yellow snow, and that’s snirt. Snirt is what makes up those filthy lumps of grey and black snow that you see pushed against the side of the road and piled up in mall parking lots. Snow + dirt = snirt. Get it? Good. As for catching snirt flakes on your tongue if it were possible - nope. I don’t even think the drunk kids in a college dorm would subject you to it on one of their asinine dares. Drinking yourself to death - sure. Hurling flaming couches at your neighbor - why not? But eating snirt? I just don’t see it happening. The stuff is just so nasty. They should hire a guy to go around and rid the streets of snirt every time it snows. No need to wait until it melts and becomes watery snirt. I don’t think even the gutter deserves a drink like that.
Yeah, we need a snirt removal guy.
