Wow...I promised you this post well over a month ago. I guess when I said "down the road," I meant "three hours down the road, then make a left." Anyway, I've stalled long enough. With North Korea test launching so many dud missiles as of late, this topic seems even more appropriate than it did the last time I posted (the one about the Korean KFC commercial). Just what can I say about that funny little man in the Khaki windbreaker? Standing at an alarmingly intimidating 5'2" (that's four inches shorter than Napoleon Bonaparte folks), this tiny dictator seems almost tailor-made to fit in with the other goons the world's had to put up with over the years. Did I mention he wears platform shoes? Perhaps I shouldn't be making fun of our retarded Korean friend, though. I mean he must have done a few things right during his lengthy reign. Let's take a look. First, you have that impressive agricultural policy that has left his people starving far from plague of obesity. Then you've got that unique economic strategy that has given his country quite a deficit a good lesson in fiscal management. Not to mention all the horrific public executions entertaining shows he provides for his people on a regular basis. What a guy. What a terrific guy.
[Above: A side-by-side comparison shot: The real Kim Jong Il and the puppet Kim Jong Il from the hit movie "Team America: World Police" The question for is: which one is which? Hmm...]
Kim has about 22.5 million tireless North Korean workers running things all over his wild countryside, and with the country's Gross Domestic Product reaching about $40 billion last year, we can safely assume that's why they all love him so much. Each Korean takes home about $1800 annually! Those poor lucky Koreans! Of course, no one is paid better than Kim Jong Il. For all the hard work he puts in everyday watching cartoons and listening to pop music running his country, Kim makes somewhere over $4 billion a year. Believe you me though, he needs every penny of it. You see, aside from amassing the world's largest collection of Daffy Duck cartoons and buying up all the Michael Jackson CDs he can get his chubby, little hands on, Kim likes to spend his stolen hard-earned cash on lightning fast sports cars, the finest gourmet foods, and rare and delicious foreign liquors. At first, $4 billion sounds a little excessive. I mean, couldn't he very well buy all those things with $3 billion annually? You would think, but none of the things Kim likes can be found inside his country (and Fed-Ex and UPS refuse to make trips to North Korea). Silly details like that couldn't possibly stop a madman's wishes from being carried out, however, so he gladly hands over that extra billion to make sure all those great things make it to his doorstep. And they do.
[Above: A candid behind-the-scenes photograph from "Team America: World Police." I'm not so sure I like how that guy is holding puppet Kim Jong Il]
When he's not rocking out to Billy Jean or watching Looney Toons, Kim enjoys the company of 12-year-old girls (which he also sort of collects). You see he handpicks his own army of young Asian girls from North Korean schools to bring him and his top commanders "pleasure" and "joy." I mean why just rob the country when you can also rob the cradle, right? He's such a brilliant and respectable world leader. I think we can all learn a thing or two from guys like Kim ("guys like Kim"...okay that just sounds funny).
While everything about this bizarre, little guy is pretty much typical blog conversation, I think one of the most intriguing things I've come across in my research is this fine little tidbit: Kim Jong Il is absolutely terrified of triplets. You see, for some unexplainable reason, he believes that they (meaning triplets) will one day topple his government and leave him for dead. It is believed this fear came from a terrible dream he had one night after hitting too much Chardonnay. Since having said nightmare, he has actually forced all triplets born in North Korea into orphanages where they are carefully watched by his government cronies. I'm not making this up, I swear. I'm really not that clever.
Well, I hope all of you out there had a safe and enjoyable Independence Day (happy 230th birthday America!). I for one, am glad that the Koreans decided to help us celebrate our beloved holiday by launching some fireworks of their own. A shame (for them) that those bottle rockets didn't work, but maybe we can airmail them some of ours (if you catch my drift). I hear President Bush is pretty upset by the whole ordeal.
