I was driving to the store today, listening to the radio, when all of a sudden I had to deal with the dreaded commercial break. I really hate radio commercials. More so than television commercials, because with them, I can mute the TV and make the actors say funnier things if I get bored (which is a lot more entertaining with others around). When it's the radio, there's not much I can do but change the station. And so I did. I started zipping through the channels, listening for anything but commercials, and after a few seconds of browsing, I stopped screwing with the radio knob and decided to settle for whatever it happened to be. It was then I realized I was singing along to She Works Hard For The Money. While to most heterosexual, white males, this may already seem like a nightmare, it's really only half of what was going on. Not only was I singing along to a feminist fight song from 1983, I was singing along to a feminist fight song from 1983 in a gay falsetto voice while tapping my hands on the steering wheel and jerking my head back and forth...while other drivers were watching in horror.
The bright side to all of this was that the windows were up (so at least the motorists who did see what I was doing didn't know what song I was listening to). You see, it was way too hot outside today to have the windows down. You just can't generate enough air that way while following the speed limit on the road I was on. Instead, I had the AC cranked up to the last notch. I guess I allowed myself to get too comfortable. I really shouldn't have though, because I was so comfortable I was making everyone else uncomfortable. By the time I realized what I was doing and said to myself, "Oh no," it was too late. Other human beings had seen something that was never meant to be seen. This is the kind of thing you tell yourself as a man, is okay to do when there's nobody else around. Well, that's a lie. It is NEVER. EVER. OKAY. I spent the rest of the afternoon over compensating for my mismanaged display of anti-manliness. I pumped some iron at the gym, watched a couple hours of Spike TV, and smoked four packs of unfiltered cigarettes to make myself feel better. So, here's to men. Learn from my example and don't do things in public that will make other people question your sexual orientation. Well, that's all for me. I've got to go restore my manhood in any way possible, so off I go to beat things up and drink.
