My experiences with vending machines

How many times has this happened? You walk over to a vending machine and see a snack dangling from one of the mechanical coils, where some poor soul's loose change failed to do its job. This kind of thing happens all the time, I'm sure, but when it happens to me, you can bet it's going to be on the SWAG - especially when you hear the ordeal I went through to get said snack. Anyway, I'm staring down at the lonely packet of Reese's Pieces when all of a sudden, this raspy voice pops up in my head. I'm pretty sure it was a demon, so we'll call him Ragnoruk for the sake of my story.

RAGNORUK: It's a freebie you stooge. Take it!

I gotta tell ya, the voice was pretty convincing. Not that I needed it though, as I was already pretty hungry. So I stand there for a moment, trying to think of how I can get it to let go of the coil and fall into the little retrieval thingie (a very technical term) without looking like an idiot in front of the occasional passerby. First, I tried the conventional "kick the vending machine" tactic. I'd seen it done before, and it seems to work in most cases. Not this time. I unleashed some powerful blows but the stranded candy bar remained wedged on that intimidating metal coil. Frustration took over at this point and I began beating on the glass. Now really, this did little but leave foggy hand prints all over, but at least I was now able to scratch another option off my list. When intense shaking and/or rattling failed to nudge the candy further from the coil's robotic grasp, I decided to yield to a slightly more technical strategy. I shifted through my pocket and discovered that I had conveniently stuffed a paperclip in there right next to my keys. Truly this was fate! The candy was hanging in the bottom row of the machine - possibly in reach. I untangled the paperclip, darted my head in both directions (assuring myself nobody was watching), knelt down and stuck my arm up through the retrieval door, utilizing my incredible paperclip-wielding skills. I struggled for a short while before realizing it was just out of my grasp. At this point, that demonic voice returned.

RAGNORUK: Why not force the candy bar out by buying another? Two for one, Nate! Stop being cheap and use a few nickels!

I figured Ragnoruk was right. If I were to pay 65 cents, I could very likely end up with two snacks for the price of one. I dug into my pocket for some quarters, nickels, and dimes (because for some reason that was never fully explained to me, vending machines don't accept pennies). After I'd rummaged through my pocket, I brought the first quarter up to the coin slot, only to stop suddenly. It was at this point that I begin to wonder just why the previous customer left the snack dangling in there. I come up with a handful of possibilities.

1. He put in his last 65 cents and had to abandon his hope of getting a snack for the time being.
2. He assumed the probability of successfully getting a snack from the machine was 100% if he would put his change in the coin slot and press one of the buttons. Seeing that his hypothesis was clearly incorrect drove him over the edge, so he rethought his theory and imagined that the probability of successfully getting candy from the machine was a lot closer to 50%. At this low payout, buying a snack from the vending machine was no longer cost efficient, so the customer sadly walked away, burned by the sting of defeat...but wiser.
3. He went to the vending machine with a terrible combination of hunger and moral weakness, knowing that he shouldn't be snacking at that particular time. After he dropped his 65 cents into the coin slot and made his selection, the candy began to move forward with the turning coil, only to stop suddenly and hang there like a bad omen. His conscious got the best of him and he ran away in terror.
4. His preferences just happened to be a bit unstable on this particular day. By the time he saw the snack dangling from the coil, he decided he wanted something else entirely and ended up buying another snack instead.
5. He was willing to pay 65 cents for one snack but not 130 cents for two, so he decided to cut his losses and head back to work.
6. He only really wanted the snack that he originally paid for. He figured that if he were to try to buy it again, he would be stuck getting two and inevitably eating two, (since he cannot bear to throw food away), thus ruining the dinner date he made with that cute blonde receptionist earlier in the day.

Anyway, I had no idea what really happened and decided it didn't really matter. I popped my change into the slot and made my selection. It was then that I realized I couldn't win. The next packet of Reese's Pieces in line began to uncoil, only to stop short, without even knocking the first into the retrieval thingie (I'm sure it has another name). My anger was overwhelming at this point, so I backed up and charged the machine like a powerful Spanish bull. The shockwave was enough to knock both stranded candy packets loose, but also enough to attract the attention of an old man who was sitting on a bench reading a newspaper. He lowered his paper and gave me a weird look, then sighed and ruffled his paper, returning his attention to the obituaries.

I reached into the retrieval door and pulled out two packets of Reese's Pieces (which I hadn't had in a long time). Satisfied in my luck, I moved on to the soda machines. For many, this is an easy decision, but not for me. I know very well that Reece's Pieces don't go with just anything. After several agonizing minutes of strict deliberation, I finally chose Dr. Pepper. You'd think that's where the story ended, but in reality, it only got more complicated. I pulled a crisp one dollar bill from my wallet and placed it inside the dollar slot then watched as the slot devoured my money, only to forget about it two seconds later. The flashing LED lights didn't change. The machine made no sound. It just stood there, almost as if it was mocking me.

COCA-COLA MACHINE: Dollar? What dollar? I didn't see any dollar.

Now, unlike the candy machine, soda machines can't be muscled into reason. You can run into those things all day and get little more than a bruised shoulder.

Agitated, but not completely stupid, I moved on to another machine: Pepsi. As I figured it, a Mountain Dew wouldn't be too bad. I pulled out my last one dollar bill and closed my eyes as I inserted it into the dollar slot. It sucked it in, and spit it right back out. This is common, so I thought nothing of it and tried again, only to realize the same results. A few tries later and the machine spit back at me only half a dollar. I kid you not. The machine ate half of my last George. I hope my fellow SWAGgers can believe this story, because as I repeat it to you, I'm finding it kinda far-fetched...and I lived it!

Fuming, I reached into my pocket and pulled out four quarters. CLANK-CLINK! CLANK-CLINK! CLANK-CLINK! CLANK-CLINK! My finger scanned the buttons and eventually pressed:Mountain Dew. I heard the rumble of the machine dispensing my glorious carbonated beverage, then two seconds later, I watched in what seemed like slow motion as a caffeine-free Diet Pepsi rolled out of the machine.

I hate vending machines.